Herr Major Johann Krauss ([info]parabellum_p08) wrote,
@ 2006-08-16 13:40:00
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I was pleasantly surprised to discover my good fortune -- two packages in the post today for me.  I am not at liberty to reveal what was in the first one, as it is a gift for someone and also, quite illegal to distribute.  The second, however, was a lengthy letter from an old friend in Linz.  An amazing city, he claims, an a nice place for old war criminals to hide from those who like would see them take a long drop ad a sudden stop on a short rope. 

My tour of duty was short in Linz, but I found the Danube pleasant and the local women friendly.  He's lucky, if he's hiding in Linz, under some assumed name, in the arms of a pretty Austrian girl. 

His note left me homesick.  I may be a certified and legal officer of the GRU Spetznaz, and fine upstanding citizen of Soviet Russia whom secured his future through questionable means... but my heart lies in Deutschland, and it always will.  It is not proper for a Soviet officer to speak of such things, and plenty to have me executed for treason, but it is the truth.  I am not ungrateful for everything I have here, I have the highest appreciation for Mother Russia, who took me in so many years ago, a certifiable orphan of war.  It is natural though, to long for my homelands. 

The most beautiful women in the world make their homes in Bavaria, and the closest thing I've seen to a beautiful woman in frozen, icy Groznyj Grad is [info]raidenovitch. 

I have been hearing rumors, though.  An American defector... I never mentioned anything of the sort to you friend, but the Blossom of the Battlefield... Voyevoda, the Joy herself... she is coming home to her Cobra Unit. 

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[info]vostok_n2o4
2006-08-16 07:19 pm UTC (link)
I would advise you not to get any ideas in your filthy little head about the leader of the Cobra Unit.

The only good German is a dead German, and I have been waiting patiently for many years to send you back to Berlin in a pine box.

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[info]parabellum_p08
2006-08-16 07:31 pm UTC (link)
Ach, acknowledged and noted. I am a gentleman, Captain Savitskiy, and my intentions are entirely pure. I only wish to have dinner with her, and perhaps harmless conversation about the war, and what life is like in America, because I am so very curious. I mean her no harm, comrade.

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[info]vostok_n2o4
2006-08-16 07:32 pm UTC (link)
That is not my name, and I am not your comrade.

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[info]parabellum_p08
2006-08-16 07:36 pm UTC (link)
Es tut mir leid, a thousand apologies. Please forgive me, everyone here is my comrade.

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[info]raidenovitch
2006-08-18 07:16 pm UTC (link)
I think it is necessary for me to reassert that I am utterly male, Major. If I start sprouting fleshy tumours from my chest and lose my manhood, I'll know where to call before I shoot myself.

Ugh.

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[info]parabellum_p08
2006-08-19 03:51 am UTC (link)
...and lose my manhood...

If you do, I am certain Major Ocelot will loan you his for a while.

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[info]raidenovitch
2006-08-19 01:30 pm UTC (link)
Most generous of him! However, I'm still very attached to mine.

... besides, I'd bet in measurements I fare better.

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[info]major_ocelot_2u
2006-08-20 01:33 am UTC (link)
Attached to yours and eveyone else's. Fucking cock lamprey.

As far as weapon dimensions are concerned, I'd rather have a nice, thick, solid barrel and stock that always shoot straight and steady, with well-timed rounds, than a haphazard AK-47, with no finesse, spraying innaccurately and all over the place.

And blowing its whole clip in ten spectacular seconds.

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[info]vostok_n2o4
2006-08-20 06:27 am UTC (link)
Your descriptive imagery calls to mind an unmanned firehose, whipping around, soaking everything in its path...

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[info]parabellum_p08
2006-08-20 06:23 pm UTC (link)
Nonsense. Everyone knows Major Ocelot has a certain fondness for bananas. I have the pictures to prove it.

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[info]vostok_n2o4
2006-08-20 06:41 pm UTC (link)
I do hope you'll share with the rest of the class?

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[info]raidenovitch
2006-08-20 07:02 pm UTC (link)
Including the rest of Major class! My curiosity is piqued.

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[info]major_ocelot_2u
2006-08-20 08:48 pm UTC (link)
Oh, so we're having a slideshow? That's just perfect, Major.

I'll just haul out that photo of your distant Russian relatives.

We can make an evening of it.

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[info]parabellum_p08
2006-08-21 04:21 am UTC (link)
Illegitimate children Distant relatives are of no consequince.

You should learn to shut the blinds when you have private time, for you can never be sure when a certain Cobra soldier may be lurking in the tree outside your window, hidden with his fabulous stealth camouflage, and camera in hand.

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[info]major_ocelot_2u
2006-08-20 08:50 pm UTC (link)
Oh, you've met Major Raikov then?

Watch your flamethrower around him. At least you wear that biohazard suit.

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[info]raidenovitch
2006-08-20 10:04 pm UTC (link)
I'm insulted. I'm always manned.

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[info]vostok_n2o4
2006-08-21 04:17 am UTC (link)
I wince to think of it.

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[info]raidenovitch
2006-08-20 08:08 pm UTC (link)
There's many weapons I'm sure you'd rather have, but you get what you're blessed with given.

You know, whilst we're speaking metaphorically, allow me to make some observations: you play with your weapon far more than is healthy. Don't think I don't see you surreptitiously running your fingers over the trigger and barrel length at any chance you get...

... and I notice you carry far more ammo on your belt than is standard.

I think we all know what this means, gentlemen. [/smirk]

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[info]major_ocelot_2u
2006-08-20 08:46 pm UTC (link)
It means I'm always ready to whip it out, Major, and take aim.

It also means I reload quickly and often.

Whatever you're thinking...you're wrong.

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[info]raidenovitch
2006-08-20 09:40 pm UTC (link)
Rest assured, it is very wrong.

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